Friday, December 31, 2010

2010, year in Review.

Last year at this time of the year my husband and I were so excited! We were going to welcome our first baby in 2010. There were supposed to be 3 babies coming into my family in 2010. Only one was successfull. I am so happy for my cousin Amy. A child is such a blessing. Amelia such a beautiful baby girl. Hopefully someday I will get to meet her, distance is the issue. The other two babies supposed to be born in 2010, not so successful. One was a Blightened Ovum and my baby Faith, lost her to Thanatophoric Dysplasia. I also lost my Grandma in January 2010. It was expected because her body was starting to shut down. I never got to say good bye. That is what bothered me the most. Grandma I love you and miss you. I also know you are probably holding your great grandchild Faith. Faith you will always be in my heart and I will never forget you, ever.

The good,
  • my Aunt overcame Colon Cancer. I am so happy for her. Aunt Corrine, you are a fighter and I am so proud of you.
  • I learned what an awesome church I have, and amazing Pastors
  • I have discovered who my real friends are
  • I have met some amazing strong women who went through the same journey as I did. Thank you for being hear for me and I hope I was able to give you the support that you gave me.
  • As I mentioned before the safe arrival of my cousin Amy's little girl Amelia.

Thank you Jesus for getting me through this year. Even though there were times it felt like you were no there I know you were.

So good bye to 2010, and Hello 2011!

Anna Farrow

Sunday, December 26, 2010

First Christmas

This Christmas went better than I expected. It was still hard, I still cried. We lit a candle in her memory yesteday. Also I lit one for my Grandma Borchuk as this is her first Christmas in Heaven too. The days leading up to Christmas were not so easy. Christmas Eve at work was hard. Unfortunatley I could not get it off like I requested. A customer asked me if I had a little one. You don't know how to respond. It is like yes I have a little one but at the same time I don't. The only thing I can get out is no. Also I saw the nurse that delivered Faith too. All day long I was fighting the urge to cry. By the time my last break hit I let it out. I am so glad that I was surrounded by family. It meant a lot to me.

I hope you all had a good Christmas. Hoping 2011 will be a better one.

Anna

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Snow!


Winter is coming, in my opinion when it snows, Winter is here!


Everytime it snows I get so emotional. It is so beautiful. Faith comes to mind. In my mind I hear her shouting with excitment. "Mommy! Daddy! It is snowing!" I also picture her building a snowman and then making a snow angel. Oh my I miss Faith so much.
Anna


Anna

Monday, November 22, 2010

Christmas is coming

Christmas is my favorite holiday. This year is going to be tough, but we are going to make the best of it.

This year I did not attend the Santa Claus parade, I am just not ready for that yet. I know just seeing all these parents with their kids will be hard to look at. Knowing that I will never have these moments with Faith. So insead I went to church for the IWorship night. Yesterday after the mall is closed they keep Santa's place open so pets can have their pictures with Santa. We caught the few kids just finishing up. Will and I go teary eyed and couldn't stand their any longer.

I know we will get through it, please be patient with us.

Anna

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Days are better


I know I haven't been writing in here as often as I have been. Since I have returned back to work, I have been so tired. My days are better. When I see the babies at work it does not bother me as much. I find though when I hear a newborn cry that is what gets to me. When Faith was born she didn't cry, and her eyes were closed. The only movement I saw was her mouth and I could tell she was gasping for air. I wanted to breathe some air into her. If only I did, I might have had more than 12 minutes. As I have said before those 12 minutes were precious.


Am I still angry at God? No, not anymore.


Anna


Monday, November 1, 2010

Christmas 2010

So last year I was so excited for this coming Christmas till my dreams got shattered. I had so many hopes and dreams. This would be Faith's first Christmas. It still is, she is just in Heaven. She gets to spend her first Christmas celebrating Jesus' birthday with Jesus! Ok I am jealous now, lol! My response was this, not making a big deal about Christmas, no Christmas Tree going up. It finally hit me. Faith would love the tree being up. Faith would be happy to see us enjoying Christmas. So this year as hard is it is going to be, I am going to enjoy Christmas and the tree is going up.

Anna

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Video

Here is the video I made for Faith's funeral. It is also posted on YouTube as well.

Anna


video

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

3 Months




October 15 marked Faith's 3mth anniversary. It was a difficult day. Will and I were both off. We went to the flower shop and got a rose for the cemetary. We went to the grave site. It was very emotional time. Later on the night at 7pm it was the wave of light. To remember all of our little angels. Also October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.




Since being back to work it is still a struggle to keep my emotions intact. Being at home I was able to shelter myself from it. I bite my tongue a lot so I don't take it out on my co-workers. Sometimes I wonder how much long before I speak my mind. God Help me on that one please.




Anna


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Week

Most of you are not aware of this week unless you have experienced this yourself. October 9-15th is that week. October 15, is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. So if you have experienced it yourself or know someone who has at 7pm light a candle in memory of that angel baby. It is called the Wave of Light.

Anna

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Update -Work

Well it has been almost 3 weeks since I have returned to work. I never thought I would be this excited to return to work. There are some tough days, as I work in retail. Sometimes a someone will walk by me with a newborn baby girl and there are days I hold back the tears. Most of the time when I notice an infant seat I try to look away. My first week back a co-worker said to me, "Aww Anna look at the baby.". I am thinking to myself, you dummy! How could you say something like that to me. It is not like she didn't know what I went through. She knew very well. After the customer left I told her, "I still struggle to look at a newborn." Her response, "I don't envy you.". She didn't even apologize for it. So I only talk to her unless I have to, only work related stuff.

I am enjoying working my new aisles, kitchen, linens and cleaners. So far I find it so much easier to manage. We even got scanners at work now too. No more grouping everything by price. Just scan and bag! The odd items we still have to enter in manually but it is a lot better.

Anna

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Back to Work

Yesterday was my first shift back to work. I have been off for just over 5 months. I was going stir crazy. It was a great day. It didn't take long to get in the swing of things. Before I went on my leave I was doing the toy and stationary aisle. Now I have the cleaners and linen aisle. I like it so far. Not looking forward to counting the linen stuff though. But I am sure I will get used to it. When I first started the toy aisle I was so scared because of the book section, then I adjusted to it. When I got home from work, I was so tired. It felt great to be back. It was also great to hear "Welcome Back" from my district manger.

How am I doing emotionally? I am doing a lot better. When I talk about Faith I do get teary eyed but I am able to control my emotions better. Miss her so much and someday I will see her in Heaven.

Anna

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Dream

Tonight was a night I had trouble falling asleep. When I did fall asleep I had a dream.

I dreamt I was going to the hospital to see Faith one last time before I had to officially say good bye. I got to her incubater, then all of a sudden she looked at me with this big bright blue eyes! She is alive! I was holding her, she was smiling and laughing.

I woke up and I am not sad, but with a peaceful feeling.

You see either before I went to bed or sometime this week I had prayed to God to show me that Faith is ok and is happy. Praise the Lord He answered my prayer!

Anna

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Struggles

It has been just over 8 weeks now. I have so many feelings and struggles and want to get them out but, I also feel if I do people will walk on egg shells or treat me like I am fragile. Honestly I don't want it.

Right now I just don't like going to church. Church you are supposed to feel encouraged and charged up for the next week. Instead I always feel anger inside. I want to cry, but don't want people to see me in that state. I try to avoid people so I don't end up crying. Part of me is saying it has been 8 weeks I should be getting through this better. My church is a wonderful church and I have been really blessed by their support through this time. The matter of the fact is that I am still struggling with Anger at God for letting me go through this. He knew what it was like to see his Son die, hang on the cross. So why did he put me through this. His son rose from the dead, my daughter didn't. She is still 6 feet under and in Heaven where I can't hold her. Yes, everyone tells me I will see her again and I will raise her in Heaven. Sorry but it doesn't help and I am still sad.

I love babies, I love holding them but lately it has been hard. I have been forcing myself to hold them, look at them. My reason, a child is a gift from God and I don't want to look at a baby with sadness, but look at them with joy. Several friends and family have had babies or expecting right now and as much as I am happy for them, there is a strong jealousy. I want to hold my baby girl! I love her and miss her so much! Have I done more harm then good by forcing myself to hold babies this soon?

Please don't feel sorry for me, don't look at me with pity. Please pray for Will and I though.

Anna

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Jealousy

Today I had to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I have been handling babies very well, but today was a little different. I had just gone through the check out and was bagging my groceries and a new mother was cashing out. The cashier asked her how old and the mother said, "1 month and 1 week.". Two of the cashiers was just fussing over this newborn baby girl. She is close to what Faith would be. I wanted to be that lady. That should be me. So I was so upset by the time I left. Trying to keep my composure as walked home, to top that off the whole front of me got drenched from a 5 minute downpour.

Anna

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Where do I belong?

I sometimes ask myself where do I belong? I don't know anymore. I am a mother but I am not. When I got married my family grew. Now since everything that has happend I feel abandoned sometimes because I didn't do what some people thought was best. We chose what feel was best and right. When you get married you take on vows for better or worse, in good times and bad times, and what is the beginning of a family? Marriage! So why is it when things are tough no one is around? Sometimes I feel in the next pregnancy, we know it is going to be a healthy one. If you could not be there when we needed them the most, why be here to celebrate the good? I wouldn't shun someone away regardless. That is just how I feel. Next time anyone goes through a difficult time, think about this, if this was me would I want people to be here for me?

If anyone takes offence to this, I am sorry this is how I am feeling and how can I communicate it to you all when you are avoiding me. So stop avoiding me and I will not have to resort to this!

Anna

Saturday, August 28, 2010

This Week

On Thursday August 26 marked 6 weeks since Faith was born and flew to Heaven. It is been a rough journey. I have been blessed by so many people who have been here for us and to help us in so many ways. Once again THANK YOU all.

I was able to meet my friend Joy's newborn baby girl Julia. I was nervous about meeting her because I didn't know how I would feel. When first arrived I was holding back the tears. Once I held her I felt so much peace. Something I needed to do. At the same time I didn't want to put her down. I missed my little girl so much. Thank you Joy for bringing her over. It meant so much to me.

On Faith's 6wk anniversary Traci came over and she helped me put together Faith's scrapbook. Thank you Traci. I have never did a scrapbook before and I am very pleased with it.

Friday August 27 is my actual due date. I didn't want to talk to that many people. I did not want to snap at anyone or take anything said the wrong way. I just wanted to be with my husband and that is it. I got through it ok.

Today I found out another family who is having TD baby, gave birth on August 26. Please pray for Charles. Pray that he will beat the odds and live a long healthy life.

Thank you!

Anna

Monday, August 23, 2010

Praise

Today I was watching TV, suddenly I had an urge to turn off the TV and get in the word. I didn't turn it off, but muted it and went and sat the dining room table. I have been trying to get through the Psalms. In my devotional Bible it has some suggested readings. I have been trying to do the 30 days in Psalms, but I started that in January. As you can see it is taking me longer than 3o days. I struggle with the desire to read the work on a daily basis. That is where I need to work on the most. Spend time in worship and prayer. Not just at Church on Sunday morning. So this this the other part of my journey. It was my Journey with Faith (my daughter) and also my Faith in Jesus.

Today's reading was Psalms 65, 98 and 138.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life, you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
The Lord will fullfill his purpose with me, your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:7-8 (NIV)

Through my Christian walk I have heard many Pastors and leaders in the church tell us to Praise God no matter what. I am at the point in my life, how can I praise Him in this. All I want to do is ask Why God? What was His purpose to allow me to carry a baby in my womb that has no chance of life after birth? How can He put me through this pain? How can you offer praise? Not very easy to do. I know through it all I had for my child was unconditional love. It didn't matter to me that she was physically perfect. My child needed to be loved. Even if she did live, I would still love her and take care of her. As I am writing this I am also reminded of God's unconditonal love towards us. He accepts us no matter how much we mess up in life. No matter what we are physically. He sent his only son Jesus to die on the cross for our sin. Right now he is waiting for humanity to run into His arms and accept his unconditional love. The
choice is yours. Will you accept his Love and Forgiveness?

Praising His Name,

Anna

Sunday, August 22, 2010

So Many Things On My Mind

Right now I have so many thoughts and feelings that I want to express. I want to bet them out but do not want to offend anyone.

People tell me that I am a hero, but really I don't think I am a hero. I only see myself as a Mother who loved her child unconditional, and it did not matter to me whether she was normal or not. That is love.

Anna

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Thunderstorm

Usually I hate thunderstorms, but recently I have come to enjoy them. You are probably thinking I am nuts right? Well, here is the reason why I have come to enjoy them. On the day of Faith's funeral we were coming out of the funeral home heading to the grave site there was a crash of thunder. I then was thinking, oh Faith is going out with a bang. Here is a video of todays small thunderstorm.

Anna

video

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Anger

It has been just over a month since Faith was born and left us. So many feelings I want to express but afraid to express them all. I am just afraid to offend some people.

I am still angry with God! I don't understand why He didn't heal her. The one thing I depended on God the most to do He didn't do. Sometimes I question, "Does God really love me?". Why would he put Will and I through something like this. This is tragedy of the worse kind.

So many friends around me have had babies recently. I am so happy for them on one hand because they don't have to go through this. This is such such a total nightmare. Then I get sad because I want my baby with me. Don't get me wrong friends, I am not angry with you. I just miss my baby!

Anna

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Rough Weekend

Yesterday was 3 weeks since we had to say bye to Faith. Generally I have good days but this weekend has been really rough. I think I am moving from the sadness to anger.

The more I go to church and hear the teaching of "Faith", I seem to get angry. Don't get me wrong. I love God, just right now I am really angry with him. I am angry that he didn't heal my baby. The pastor said at church. "God does not let you down.", my response was "No comment.". I feel that God did let me down by not healing her and taking her from me. I thought a child is supposed to be a gift from God. He gave me this gift but then He took her from me.

I don't want to be angry at God. What is that going to accomplish? God, I love you and I don't want to be angry at you. Help Me God! I need You!

Anna

Monday, August 2, 2010

Days are getting easier

So things are still hard but I am getting through the days a lot better. I still have my moments, I miss her so much. There are times where I catch her scent. I know Faith is in a better place. She is in Heaven dancing with Jesus.

Yesterday I took a few steps in the healing process, I held my friend Pete and Janine's baby, Aletheia (6mths old). Before I went over, I took a look just to make sure I can handle it. Then I had some visitors last night, and got to hold a 5 week old baby boy. I got through it very well. My husband even held him too.

We are looking forward to when we can try again for another baby.

Anna

Friday, July 30, 2010

Two weeks have passed

It has been just over two weeks since we welcomed Faith in and 12 minutes we had to say good bye. It is still heartbreaking. Everywhere I turn someone I know has had a baby, and they are healthy. I am so happy for them that they don't have to go through what Will and I have gone through, but at the same time it hurts so much because we don't have our little girl with us.

I still have trouble with being alone, and going out in public. Today was the first day I was alone, had no one stay with me for the day while my husband was at work. It hasn't been easy but I am getting through it. I hate going out in public, especially when I am alone because I am afraid I am going to have an emotional breakdown in public.

Missing my baby girl!

Anna

Thursday, July 22, 2010

One Week


Today Faith would be 1 week old. It is hard to believe that she is gone. I still miss her very much. I miss holding her in my arms. Her time here was too short. What a precious child!


Through this journey I have no regrets. The choice to terminate the pregnancy or continue on. If I was to terminate her to me it would be saying, "Go ahead kill my baby girl.", there is no way I would be able to live with myself. The choice to continue on with the pregnancy was the best choice. She deserved a chance to fight to live. I could not play God with her life. I chose to let God choose whether she lives or not. As difficult as it has been, I know I made the right choice. Even though I only had 12 minutes with her they were so precious.


Faith I love you and I look forward to seeing you in Heaven someday! Love you my baby girl! XOXOXOX


Anna

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

It Hurts So Much!


It has been 5 days since Faith has been born and left to be in the arms of Jesus. The mornings are the worse. I miss her so much. When I first found out about the TD diagnosis people were encouraging me with their miracles. I prayed and believed God for a miracle for my baby girl. I refused to terminate the pregnancy. Hoping that God heal her, but I didn't get my miracle. She should be home with me, not in Heaven!


Oh Faith I miss you and Love you!!!! XOXOXOX


Anna

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Funeral


Yesterday (July 17, 2010) was Faith's funeral. It was a difficult day but with the strength of God we got through it.


I am honoured to have given Faith a chance to fight and live. She is one special girl. Even though she passed away I will still love God. The grieveing process is not that easy right now, and I am sure it will be a long one. I know we are not alone.


Thank you to those who prayed for her, where here for us. Whether it was to help drive us to appointments, meals and finacially. Most of all thank you to all that come out yesterday.


Love,


Anna

Friday, July 16, 2010

Update


Sorry for not being able to write in here it has been a crazy week and a half.

On July 5, I was walking up the stairs and I felt a something go down my leg. The next day the bottom of my night gown was wet. My sister in law took me to the hospital to make sure I am ok. My amniotic fluid started to slowly leak. They were trying to prevent the baby from coming early so I was kept in the hospital on bed rest. On the Wed night I started feeling some back labour and was sent down to the birthing suite. That is where I spent the rest of my stay. The doctor talked to us about inducing because of the high risk of infection, so we agreed. From Thursday morning (July 8 to July 13) went through 8 rounds of inducing. On the 12th of July my water broke. On July 14 they were going to take another method of inducing but I went into labour early morning. The contractions and labour pains went all day and all night. July 15, at 1:46am we welcomed Faith Doris Farrow. She is beautiful. My cheeks, Will's lips, and bright lue eyes! Her life was short. She passed away at 1:58am. My precious angel is in Heaven. I love you and miss you so much! xoxox

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Getting Closer

In 8 weeks we should be welcoming Faith Doris into this world. I am excited because I finally get to meet her. At the same time I am scared out of my mind. It hurts so much. Frustraing because I don't know how to prepare for her arrival. Whether she is going to be healed or if she is only with us for a short time. I do not know whether we should set up her room or not.

I hate TD!!!! Why does this exist???

Anna

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Kicks!

My sister in law, Jenny lent me a device where I can listen to Faith's heartbeat, kicks and hiccups. It is so neat.

This morning I was listening in and I look at the device and she was kicking it. It was so funny. Love those moments when I see her kick!

Anna

Monday, June 28, 2010

Less than 9 weeks to go


Today I am 31 wks 3 days. Time is starting to fly. I am so excited but at the same time so nervous and scared. I am not sure if we are bringing her home or not. Please God, I need my miracle. Heal Faith!


Anna

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I am Human, I have emotions

This is not an easy journey to travel. Yes, I am trusting God that he is going to heal Faith. At the same time I am human. I feel that I cannot cry and let out my emotions. When Lazarus died, Jesus mounrned and cried, but He also raised him from the dead. Until Faith is born and I know she is ok, my mind will be at ease.

So when I am venting our my frustrations, worries, and just want to cry. Please let me do it.

Anna

Monday, June 21, 2010

Prayer Request

I met someone in the Thanatophoric Dysplasia group who goes by the name John Teresa. She is in her 28th week of pregnancy and she has to be induced on this Wednesday June 23, 2010. Please keep her and family in your Prayers. Really I would love to for her to be healed so she will not have to be induced and carry her son to term.

John Teresa, if you are reading this I am thinking of you and Praying for you. This is a difficult time!

Anna

Friday, June 18, 2010

30 Weeks


Today I am officially at 30 wks pregnant. Hard to believe 10 more weeks to go. My stomach feels so hard now.

Today I was relaxing on the couch and I felt what seemed to be kick and I thought I might have seen my stomach move. So I poked around my belly where I suspected the kick came from. Then I stopped and watched, sure enough she kicked again and I saw my belly jiggle. It was so neat! It is hard to believe that there is a life growing inside me. What ever time I do have with Faith I will cherish, even while she is in the womb.

Anna

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

In The News

http://www.globaltoronto.com/Mother+accused+drowning+child+pleads+guilty+manslaughter/3157940/story.html

So this story was on Global News and honestly I was so angered by it. A woman, drowns her 4 year old autistic child in the bathtub is released from prison. Plead guilty but sentenced to time served. The kicker is she wants to have another child! I am total disbelief and angered! I just don't know what to think!

Yes, I believe in forgiveness of sin. Why should she be able to have another child? So she can kill again? I hope she undergoes some good psychatric treatment. At least we all know she will be watched closely by CAS.

Anna

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Less that 12 Weeks to Go

Less than 12 weeks to go until Faith arrives. The closer I get to August 27th, the hardest it gets. I just want her to come out alive and well. Breathing on her own. Totally healed of this diagnosis.

The hardest thing today was going to the funeral home to pre-plan her funeral. Hoping that it won't be necessary. I got to see where the chapel is. I had to try and take deep breaths. It felt like something was choking me. This is so hard to go through. Sometimes I feel so alone because I don't really know anyone who has to carry a baby to term knowing that medically speaking she will not live. At the same time living in faith that God will intervene.

Anna

Monday, June 7, 2010

Samuel's Story

Here is a webpage about a boy named Samuel. He is alive living with Thanatophoric Dysplaisa. He still lives on a ventilator, but happy and alive and well!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/samuelmann


Anna

Saturday, June 5, 2010

My Nephew Dean's Birthday


Today was my nephew Dean's 2nd Birthday. It is hard to believe two years have gone by. It just seems like yesterday I was visiting him at the hospital to welcome him in to this world. He is walking starting to talk. Amazing how children grow fast.


Due to certain circumstances I cannot post pics of him. I am posting a pic of Elmo and I. They had Elmo come to the birthday party. It was awesome! The weather was great and the rain held off.


Anna

Friday, June 4, 2010

Busy but great week!




This has been one busy but great week! I got to see friend and family.




Monday: OB appt, Mom came with me. Saw my sister in law Jenny and my nephew Dean. We went to Oshawa Zoo and then went back to her house. Love spending time with Jenny and Dean!




Tuesday: Doctor appt, and spent the day with my Mom.




Wednesday: Got to see Dorcas, Maxam and Christina. For the first time a baby puked in my mouth! LOL! It wasn't fun cause I got sick but I still laugh at it.




Thursday: My cousin Lisa came to visit and we had a BBQ. Yes my Mom was there too. I even got to see my friend Traci today for a bit. Of course my hubby is off!!!




Today is Friday. Going to relax and spend time with my hubby!




I was sick this week though. I had some lower back ache and constipation. In which I had fears that I was going into early labour. In the end I am glad it was only constipation.




Anna

Monday, May 31, 2010

Oshawa Zoo


Today I had my OB appointment. My blood pressure is up, still trying to keep it down. I know it is normal for pregnancy but I don't like it. Had to drink the carbonated orange drink, the gestational diabetes test. It was yummy! Heard Faith's heartbeat, it is good and strong!


Today I went to the Oshawa Zoo with my sister in law Jenny and my nephew Dean. I had a wonderful time. You can buy popcorn to feed to the animals too, I ended up eating most of it. It was yummy! Today I got to hold a chick for the first time. Unfortunalty I didn't have a pic from my camera.


Anna

Friday, May 28, 2010

27 Weeks Today

Today I am 27 Weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how quick the time is passing. In 13 weeks I will be giving birth to my baby girl. I just want her to prove these doctors wrong. It is hard to understand, this baby is wanted so much. Then we get these teenagers who get pregnant and have healthy babies. Why me? Why? I am happily married, did it right and this is what I get. I should be setting up the nursery but no instead I have to plan a funeral. NOT FAIR!!!!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Peace

As the days are going on, I am coping a lot better. My bad moments are not as often. One thing I can say, whatever the outcome, I am at peace. As much as I want my daughter to live. I can accept whatever God chooses.

Anna

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Word

I struggle a lot with spending time in the reading God's word and Prayer. In the christian walk it is crucial. Now that I am not working I have plenty of time to do it. Honestly I just lack the desire to do it. When I was younger I did it out of duty and it is the "thing" to do. I just don't want to do it out of "duty" or the "thing" to do. I want my heart to be in it. God give me the hunger and desire to read your work and to seek you.

Today I got in the work and found some verses and reminders that stuck out to me.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them" Genesis 1:27 (NIV)

"I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

It is a reminder to me because I constantly struggle with how I see myself. In God's eyes He loves me as I am.

It is also says that Faith is perfect no matter what. He has created her. I have no problem accepting her as her. It is to remind my baby Faith that she is perfect, and Will and I love her the way she is. Just like God loves her.

We all have flaws, but regardless of our flaws God loves us for who we are.

Anna

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mornings

I find that the mornings are difficult. That is when I cry like crazy. Why are mornings so hard? It supposed to be a new day where you start fresh. Instead you wake and don't want to get out of bed.

I spoke to my father in law and sister in law, Jenny today and it helped. As much as I cried my face off. After that the day got better. I spent some much needed time with my husband. We went to the library, returned some dvd's. We bought the movie "Simon Birch". I remember watching that years ago. It is funny and a tear jerker too. It is about a boy who is a dwarf, destined to die because he had a small heart. He lived and believed he had some purpose for his life, he was going to be a hero. People laughed at him and wouldn't believe it. Until the bus they were riding crashed and ended up in the lake. That is all I am going to tell you. Rent it or buy it.

Good Night!

Anna

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Why?

Today is a not an okay day. I try to distract myself from situation. It just hurts so much. All I could do this morning is ask God, "Why????". I just don't understand why God would allow us to go through something like this. Wake me up, it feels like I am in a nightmare and I can't wake up. Then it hits me, no it isn't a nightmare it is reality.

As I am thinking of this maybe I should read the Book of Job. He lost everything but held on to God.

Anna

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Better Day today

Today was a better day. I got to go out and do some shopping and visit with a friend of mine named Lisa.

I hate being cooped up in the house but at the same time I am afraid to go out in public as well. Just the site of a baby upsets me. I really don't need to have an emotional breakdown in public either.

I am blessed to have a wonderful church. Oshawa Community Church has been a wonderful support to Will and I in so many ways. Thank you OCC! You are loved by us and we appreciate everything you have done to help us out.

Love,

Anna

Oshawa Community Church
http://www.occonline.ca

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Happy Anniversary!


Yesterday was my 2 year wedding anniversary. Lately I haven't really been in the mood to celebrate. Two weeks ago was my birthday and yesteday was my anniverasry. Will worked yesterday. I had to see my doctor. He wanted to check out my blood pressure because last time I went to my OB it was a little high and with everything that has been going on. Still battling the little bit of this cold. It is almost done. I got my ventolin filled and that has made a big difference.


I still remember my wedding day. The most special day of my life. I have been blessed with a loving husband. Will treats me very well. He may not spoil me with material things but he spoils me with love and affection. If I had to go back and do it all over again, I will!


Happy Anniversary My Love! xoxox


Anna

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you mother's out there. It is a blessing to be a Mom. I was raised in a sinble parent home. Mom and Dad are divorced and for the longest time my Dad was not in my life.

My Mom is my hero! She did a fabulous job raising me. Thank you Mom! I love you!

Today is difficult for me in 3 months I am suppose to become a Mom and it hurts deep down inside. I want a miracle so bad. I have been so exctied to become a Mom and now TD has shattered my dream.

So for all you Mom's out there who wish you could go back cause you made a bad choice. Snap out if it. You have been given a gift. Cherish it because in an instant that gift can be taken away.

Anna

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Faith

When this finding out this news a verse in the Bible stood out to me.

"Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

It is a struggle because, all I hear and see is the doctor result and the bad outcome. At the same time trying to trust God and His plan. I do not want to lose my baby girl Faith.

Anna

PS: here are a few links to check out.

http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition=thanatophoricdysplasia

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org

Friday, May 7, 2010

The Start


This is called Journey of Faith for a reason. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant and got a bad report. We are having a girl. When we found out we are having a girl we were going to name her Beth. After all this testing we had endured we decided to change her name to Faith. Faith means "Belief" and "Confidence". At that time we thought we were only dealing with Ventricular Septal Defect. Two days later after finding out even more heartbreaking news.

December 2009:

Great news! Will and I found out our precious child is on the way. A week before Christmas. Now that is a Christmas present. We were so happy. You know the "rule", "Shhhhh.... to wait for the first 3 months.". It was totally thrown out the window. I have known a few people who have suffered miscarriages at 4th and 5th month of their pregnancy. I couldn't contain myself.

February 2010:

I went for my 12 week ultrasound. I got a call from the doctor shortly after. The nuchel translucency was 6mm. At 12 weeks of pregnancy it should only be 3mm. An increased nuchel translucency is a possible sign of Down Syndrome. We could live with that. Those children are special and I melt every time I see them. I cannot help but smile.

March 2010:

I went for an Amniocentisis to find out exactley what is wrong. If you can avoid one of those, go for it. It hurt when that needle went in. When we got the results we were so happy. Chromosone count was normal, and it is a girl!

April 2010:

I was sent for a Fetal EKG. They were checking the heart cause with a high nuchel translucency result also could be heart condition. We learned that day her left ventrical was smaller than the right. The blood was flowing to the right side but not the left. That is fixable by surgery. A couple days later, I went for my 20 week ultrasound. They noticed that her limbs and rib cage are smaller than what it should be. It was a sign of dwarfism. That I can handle. The form that they were talking is called Thanatophoric Dysplasia. Which is fatal. They saved some amnio fluid from my amniocentsis and sent it off for further testing.

May 2010:

We got the offical results. Faith has been diagnosed with Thanatophoric Dysplasia. We are totally devasted by this news. We were sent to Mt. Sinai hospital for a second opinion. They also confirmed that is what she has and there is no hope for survival after she is born.

What is Thantophoric Dysplasia?

It is a fatal form of dwarfism. The rib cage and chest is too small and the lungs cannot develop and she cannot breathe on her own. She would require a breathing tube to help her breathe.

We have been advised to terminate but we won't. I don't believe in, and I refuse to play God. Will and I have placed Faith in God's hands and if chooses for her to live great! If not that is his choice. This is a difficult journey to be on.

We are relying on God for a miracle. I also accept His decision for Faith's life no matter what.

This is my blog, my journey of Faith. Hope this offers hope and healing to someone going through the same thing as I am.

Anna