Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Back to Work

Yesterday was my first shift back to work. I have been off for just over 5 months. I was going stir crazy. It was a great day. It didn't take long to get in the swing of things. Before I went on my leave I was doing the toy and stationary aisle. Now I have the cleaners and linen aisle. I like it so far. Not looking forward to counting the linen stuff though. But I am sure I will get used to it. When I first started the toy aisle I was so scared because of the book section, then I adjusted to it. When I got home from work, I was so tired. It felt great to be back. It was also great to hear "Welcome Back" from my district manger.

How am I doing emotionally? I am doing a lot better. When I talk about Faith I do get teary eyed but I am able to control my emotions better. Miss her so much and someday I will see her in Heaven.


Monday, September 13, 2010

The Dream

Tonight was a night I had trouble falling asleep. When I did fall asleep I had a dream.

I dreamt I was going to the hospital to see Faith one last time before I had to officially say good bye. I got to her incubater, then all of a sudden she looked at me with this big bright blue eyes! She is alive! I was holding her, she was smiling and laughing.

I woke up and I am not sad, but with a peaceful feeling.

You see either before I went to bed or sometime this week I had prayed to God to show me that Faith is ok and is happy. Praise the Lord He answered my prayer!


Sunday, September 12, 2010


It has been just over 8 weeks now. I have so many feelings and struggles and want to get them out but, I also feel if I do people will walk on egg shells or treat me like I am fragile. Honestly I don't want it.

Right now I just don't like going to church. Church you are supposed to feel encouraged and charged up for the next week. Instead I always feel anger inside. I want to cry, but don't want people to see me in that state. I try to avoid people so I don't end up crying. Part of me is saying it has been 8 weeks I should be getting through this better. My church is a wonderful church and I have been really blessed by their support through this time. The matter of the fact is that I am still struggling with Anger at God for letting me go through this. He knew what it was like to see his Son die, hang on the cross. So why did he put me through this. His son rose from the dead, my daughter didn't. She is still 6 feet under and in Heaven where I can't hold her. Yes, everyone tells me I will see her again and I will raise her in Heaven. Sorry but it doesn't help and I am still sad.

I love babies, I love holding them but lately it has been hard. I have been forcing myself to hold them, look at them. My reason, a child is a gift from God and I don't want to look at a baby with sadness, but look at them with joy. Several friends and family have had babies or expecting right now and as much as I am happy for them, there is a strong jealousy. I want to hold my baby girl! I love her and miss her so much! Have I done more harm then good by forcing myself to hold babies this soon?

Please don't feel sorry for me, don't look at me with pity. Please pray for Will and I though.


Saturday, September 4, 2010


Today I had to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I have been handling babies very well, but today was a little different. I had just gone through the check out and was bagging my groceries and a new mother was cashing out. The cashier asked her how old and the mother said, "1 month and 1 week.". Two of the cashiers was just fussing over this newborn baby girl. She is close to what Faith would be. I wanted to be that lady. That should be me. So I was so upset by the time I left. Trying to keep my composure as walked home, to top that off the whole front of me got drenched from a 5 minute downpour.


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Where do I belong?

I sometimes ask myself where do I belong? I don't know anymore. I am a mother but I am not. When I got married my family grew. Now since everything that has happend I feel abandoned sometimes because I didn't do what some people thought was best. We chose what feel was best and right. When you get married you take on vows for better or worse, in good times and bad times, and what is the beginning of a family? Marriage! So why is it when things are tough no one is around? Sometimes I feel in the next pregnancy, we know it is going to be a healthy one. If you could not be there when we needed them the most, why be here to celebrate the good? I wouldn't shun someone away regardless. That is just how I feel. Next time anyone goes through a difficult time, think about this, if this was me would I want people to be here for me?

If anyone takes offence to this, I am sorry this is how I am feeling and how can I communicate it to you all when you are avoiding me. So stop avoiding me and I will not have to resort to this!