Sunday, September 12, 2010


It has been just over 8 weeks now. I have so many feelings and struggles and want to get them out but, I also feel if I do people will walk on egg shells or treat me like I am fragile. Honestly I don't want it.

Right now I just don't like going to church. Church you are supposed to feel encouraged and charged up for the next week. Instead I always feel anger inside. I want to cry, but don't want people to see me in that state. I try to avoid people so I don't end up crying. Part of me is saying it has been 8 weeks I should be getting through this better. My church is a wonderful church and I have been really blessed by their support through this time. The matter of the fact is that I am still struggling with Anger at God for letting me go through this. He knew what it was like to see his Son die, hang on the cross. So why did he put me through this. His son rose from the dead, my daughter didn't. She is still 6 feet under and in Heaven where I can't hold her. Yes, everyone tells me I will see her again and I will raise her in Heaven. Sorry but it doesn't help and I am still sad.

I love babies, I love holding them but lately it has been hard. I have been forcing myself to hold them, look at them. My reason, a child is a gift from God and I don't want to look at a baby with sadness, but look at them with joy. Several friends and family have had babies or expecting right now and as much as I am happy for them, there is a strong jealousy. I want to hold my baby girl! I love her and miss her so much! Have I done more harm then good by forcing myself to hold babies this soon?

Please don't feel sorry for me, don't look at me with pity. Please pray for Will and I though.



  1. Dear Anna,
    I have been reading your fb comments & just found your Journey of Faith! I look at you and I dont feel pity....I do feel your pain but not pity! I look at you and see a wonderful women of God with great strenght and courage. You were told the risks of having your little girl & yet you stood firm in your faith! You did everything a good mother would do to care for her unborn child...hoping and praying and believing the doctors where wrong. Most women would of took the easy way out and aborted. Your love & faith for your child was so strong and that alone makes you a great mother!
    I do understand your emotions are high and you have every right to them Anna.Its your time to morn your loss. I say cry Anna and cry some more but bring those tears to Jesus.You suffered the greatest loss any mother could indure and only He can truely heal. As for being mad at God.....I to have been in this place and come to know bad things happen to good people its how we respone to it all is what God is looking at. Did God cause this to happen...NO way! He loves you more then you love your little girl. He would never want you to suffer that way. Just like you would never want her to suffer. You are His child and His heart breaks with every tear you shed.
    All I know is everything we go throw in life is a test. All this anger you have for God.....what are you going to do with it Anna. Its your choice Anna....are you going to run from Him or are you going to run to Him!
    Dont worry about people seeing you crying at church. That is the place we are to heal and many many many tears have fallen there. So step up to the alter Anna and plant your face at the throne of grace and cry for months....however long it takes. There is living, healing water that flows onto that alter Anna and its yours for the taking. I know you can do have shown your strenght and courage and I will tell you this there will be times you will feel like your guts have been ripped right out of you on that alter. Its all part of the healing process and your pain is so very real. Run to Him again and again until you can hold of picture of your little girl and not weep no more.

  2. Dear Bella, termination is not the easy way out, it is far from it, it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

    Dear Anna, I know where you are as I delivered my baby girl on 11th August. Malaika had the same diagnosis as Faith. There is not much I can say or I want to say, but don't lose faith. God never left you and yes we know what kind of sacrifice God made for us and yes he has his son, but he also holds our little angels in his hand, keeping them safe until we join them. No child could be in better hands than in his.

    I know you are angry, but don't be angry at the Lord for we do not know what his plans are we have to trust in him, just like a child trusts their parents.

    God Bless you and Will for you are truly special people and God has a plan for you.

    At present you maybe temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials. This is no accident. It happens to prove your faith which is infinitely more valuable than gold." 1Peter 1:6-7

    The things you
    wish were most removed
    from your life are often
    the very things that God
    is using to shape you
    and make you into the
    believer of character He
    wants you to be.

    As much as it hurts I like to try and believe that he has A plan for us. Keep safe and blessed