Saturday, August 28, 2010

This Week

On Thursday August 26 marked 6 weeks since Faith was born and flew to Heaven. It is been a rough journey. I have been blessed by so many people who have been here for us and to help us in so many ways. Once again THANK YOU all.

I was able to meet my friend Joy's newborn baby girl Julia. I was nervous about meeting her because I didn't know how I would feel. When first arrived I was holding back the tears. Once I held her I felt so much peace. Something I needed to do. At the same time I didn't want to put her down. I missed my little girl so much. Thank you Joy for bringing her over. It meant so much to me.

On Faith's 6wk anniversary Traci came over and she helped me put together Faith's scrapbook. Thank you Traci. I have never did a scrapbook before and I am very pleased with it.

Friday August 27 is my actual due date. I didn't want to talk to that many people. I did not want to snap at anyone or take anything said the wrong way. I just wanted to be with my husband and that is it. I got through it ok.

Today I found out another family who is having TD baby, gave birth on August 26. Please pray for Charles. Pray that he will beat the odds and live a long healthy life.

Thank you!

Anna

Monday, August 23, 2010

Praise

Today I was watching TV, suddenly I had an urge to turn off the TV and get in the word. I didn't turn it off, but muted it and went and sat the dining room table. I have been trying to get through the Psalms. In my devotional Bible it has some suggested readings. I have been trying to do the 30 days in Psalms, but I started that in January. As you can see it is taking me longer than 3o days. I struggle with the desire to read the work on a daily basis. That is where I need to work on the most. Spend time in worship and prayer. Not just at Church on Sunday morning. So this this the other part of my journey. It was my Journey with Faith (my daughter) and also my Faith in Jesus.

Today's reading was Psalms 65, 98 and 138.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life, you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.
The Lord will fullfill his purpose with me, your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:7-8 (NIV)

Through my Christian walk I have heard many Pastors and leaders in the church tell us to Praise God no matter what. I am at the point in my life, how can I praise Him in this. All I want to do is ask Why God? What was His purpose to allow me to carry a baby in my womb that has no chance of life after birth? How can He put me through this pain? How can you offer praise? Not very easy to do. I know through it all I had for my child was unconditional love. It didn't matter to me that she was physically perfect. My child needed to be loved. Even if she did live, I would still love her and take care of her. As I am writing this I am also reminded of God's unconditonal love towards us. He accepts us no matter how much we mess up in life. No matter what we are physically. He sent his only son Jesus to die on the cross for our sin. Right now he is waiting for humanity to run into His arms and accept his unconditional love. The
choice is yours. Will you accept his Love and Forgiveness?

Praising His Name,

Anna

Sunday, August 22, 2010

So Many Things On My Mind

Right now I have so many thoughts and feelings that I want to express. I want to bet them out but do not want to offend anyone.

People tell me that I am a hero, but really I don't think I am a hero. I only see myself as a Mother who loved her child unconditional, and it did not matter to me whether she was normal or not. That is love.

Anna

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Thunderstorm

Usually I hate thunderstorms, but recently I have come to enjoy them. You are probably thinking I am nuts right? Well, here is the reason why I have come to enjoy them. On the day of Faith's funeral we were coming out of the funeral home heading to the grave site there was a crash of thunder. I then was thinking, oh Faith is going out with a bang. Here is a video of todays small thunderstorm.

Anna

video

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Anger

It has been just over a month since Faith was born and left us. So many feelings I want to express but afraid to express them all. I am just afraid to offend some people.

I am still angry with God! I don't understand why He didn't heal her. The one thing I depended on God the most to do He didn't do. Sometimes I question, "Does God really love me?". Why would he put Will and I through something like this. This is tragedy of the worse kind.

So many friends around me have had babies recently. I am so happy for them on one hand because they don't have to go through this. This is such such a total nightmare. Then I get sad because I want my baby with me. Don't get me wrong friends, I am not angry with you. I just miss my baby!

Anna

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Rough Weekend

Yesterday was 3 weeks since we had to say bye to Faith. Generally I have good days but this weekend has been really rough. I think I am moving from the sadness to anger.

The more I go to church and hear the teaching of "Faith", I seem to get angry. Don't get me wrong. I love God, just right now I am really angry with him. I am angry that he didn't heal my baby. The pastor said at church. "God does not let you down.", my response was "No comment.". I feel that God did let me down by not healing her and taking her from me. I thought a child is supposed to be a gift from God. He gave me this gift but then He took her from me.

I don't want to be angry at God. What is that going to accomplish? God, I love you and I don't want to be angry at you. Help Me God! I need You!

Anna

Monday, August 2, 2010

Days are getting easier

So things are still hard but I am getting through the days a lot better. I still have my moments, I miss her so much. There are times where I catch her scent. I know Faith is in a better place. She is in Heaven dancing with Jesus.

Yesterday I took a few steps in the healing process, I held my friend Pete and Janine's baby, Aletheia (6mths old). Before I went over, I took a look just to make sure I can handle it. Then I had some visitors last night, and got to hold a 5 week old baby boy. I got through it very well. My husband even held him too.

We are looking forward to when we can try again for another baby.

Anna