19 Wk Ultrasound

This past Wednesday (December 28, 2011) I went for my 19 wk Ultrasound. That is the most important ultrasound. When I was pregnant with Faith, at the 20 wk ultrasound that is when they noticed the dwarfism. The day before the ultrasound I was so nervous and on edge. Part of me had confidence that this baby is going to be healthy, but there was the other side that was so afraid that my world is going to come crashing down. After the ultrasound the Radiologist told me that there is no sign of Thanotophoric Dysplasia. She could not be certain that but it looks like a boy. So until it can be confirmed we are going neutral colors. My instinct says it is a boy. When Will came in the room to see our little baby I just broke down in tears, happy tears.

I am so glad that you have opened up your lives to hear about my journey. You are sticking by in good and bad. I am blessed to share my joys and heartaches. Thank you all. In case you are wondering this blog is still going. I just want to acknowledge you all and to say Thank you!

Anna

Christmas 2011

This Christmas was AWESOME!!!!

Friday night started off with celebrating Mom's birthday with my nephew Justin. On Christmas Eve we exchanged presents with Justin.

I am so glad to have spent Christmas with my Dad. It meant a lot to me. Last night, Will, Mom, Dad and I went to Christmas Eve Candlelight Service, it was amazing. When the candles were lit and the whole room was so bright. I love seeing the room lit up with candles.

My Uncle Dave and Aunt Corrine stopped in for a visit this afternoon. For dinner it was Mom, Dad, Jon, Maryann and Kyle. I even made cheesecake. The dinner was so yummy. Mom, Will and I worked as a team to get dinner ready.

About a month ago Will and I got a Tassimo. We loved it. When I saw the selection between Tassimo and Keurig I was so upset. Keurig has way more selection in product. Jon, Maryann, Mom and the kids got Will and I a Keurig and some k-cups. Needless to say Mom got the Tassimo.

I just want to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! Hope you had a great one like I did!

Anna

IPS Test

All the test results are in for the IPS test. Blood work came back and there are no issues! I already shared with you that the IPS Ultrasound came back fine as well.

The reason why I am so happy is because when I was pregnant with Faith that test raised the red flag that there was something wrong. Faith had a Nuchal Translcency of 5mm and she came back with a risk of Trisectomy 18.

So I have a reason to by happy. The big ultrasound will be at 19 wks, December 28. Once I hear that the growth is going well I will be able to be 100% relaxed!

Anna

15 WKS

Yesterday I had another ultrasound. Normally you have the 12wk, then the 20wk, but because of my last pregnancy I have a little bit more. So far everything is looking good. There is no concern shown yet. When I saw the arms I was so happy. They looked longer than Faith's arms when she was born at 35ks gestation. I am more at ease. in 4 weeks will be the big ultrasound where we will find out the growth and if there is any sign of Thanotophoric Dysplasia and if it is a boy or girl (that is if the baby will let us see). I am pretty sure that this baby is going to be a healthy one.

Anna

This Christmas

So this is going to be an exciting Christmas for me. My Dad is coming for Christmas. I have only spend one Christmas with him and that was my first one.... in 1978. So this is big! I will be spending it with both parents, and my brother and his family and of course my husband!!!!

Anna

2nd Trimester

It is hard to believe that I am now in my second trimester. It just seemed like yesterday that I found out I was pregnant. I seemed to have bypassed the morning sickness. Maybe that is why time seems to be going fast. I am so happy. May 21, cannot come fast enough. So far I am feeling optimistic that this baby is going to be healthy. I am so happy that Christmas is coming. This past weekend the Christmas Tree went up. Decorations are up. This Christmas is going to be special. My Dad is going to be here. That means a lot to me. Anna

Today's workout

This morning Will and I went to the gym together. I love it when we get to work out together. I did 22 mins on the treadmill, 15 mins on the elliptical and bicep curls. I even got my hubby to take a pic of me.

Anna

11wks

Yesterday was my IPS screening ultrasound. It went well. I am pleased to share that the Nuchal Translucency was 1.1mm. That is good. As long as it was under 3mm. Faith measured 5mm. That is a big difference. I am more optimistic this baby is healthy.

Anna

Disrespect

Here I am on the bus and so annoyed. A wheelchair was getting on and the bus driver asked for seats to be cleared and the two people who had strollers would not move. It makes me mad to see that. So the wheelchair parked in the walkway so therefore making it difficult for passengers to get on. What part do you not get??? The front of the bus is meant for people with disabilities. Show some respect!

Wal-Mart Shopping Trip

Today my Mom and I went out shopping, not grocery shopping either. For the first time I was able to walk down the baby section in the store and not get emotional. It was exciting! Today I have determined what theme for our new bundle of joy that is coming in 30wks! Winnie the Pooh. I am working on a photo wishlist to put up on facebook. As it gets closer I will post it up. Today I even picked up a few things for the baby and colors for the room.

Anna

Big News

Well my last blog I had to be careful of what I posted because I had this secret that I have kept from the online world. Only good friends and family knew. I found out in September I am pregnant! So this weight loss has been a struggle since I found out. The cravings have been awful. I am hoping to get back on track to healthy eating.

Wednesday was my first ultrasound. It was awesome to see that little blob! I got to see the heartbeat, so tiny! My due date is May 22, 2012.

Anna

Happy Thanksgiving!

This year was a different Thanksgiving. Usually Mom is with us to celebrate but this year she was in Hamilton visiting my cousins. It was a much needed holiday for her. This year I had to make the turkey all by myself. Normally Mom is there to help guide me. The turkey turned out good and everyone enjoyed dinner! I am so happy. I even tried Aunt Evelyn's potato casserole. That was a success! Everyone loved it. Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Anna

I Did It

Today when I went for my workout I did the Elliptical trainer! I am so proud of myself. I was able to do it for 18 minutes. I was looking at my reflection in the mirror and I noticed that my legs are looking toned! I am quite pleased!

Anna

Ups and Downs

I know it has been awhile. I had a week of where I have not been able to get to the gym because of the cold I had. With the cold and feeling lousy the last thing I wanted to eat was healthy. That is when you should be eating healthy so your body can fight it. All I wanted to eat was the comfort food, pizza, chocolate, quesadilas, chips and candy etc. So I put on about 10lbs. Now I am starting to feel better. I am almost at the -20lb mark again.

On the weekend I was able to get to the pool and swim some laps. I think I did about 7 laps (start at one end of the pool and back, that is 1 lap to me). Did that in about 20 mins. I was so tired. It was not easy. I observed two other swimmers, by the time I got to the other side they completed one full lap and on the next lap. Gee I am slow. I know someday as I do it more I will be able to go faster.

Today I did 32 minutes on the treadmill, then I went to try on the Elliptical trainer. I was able to do 5 minutes and not feel so drained. Next time I might bypass the treadmill and do the Elliptical. Maybe all that training on the treadmill is making it easier to do the Elliptical. Since I am trying to get rid of the flab on my arms I did 3 sets of 10 bicep curls at 10lbs.

Since I LOVE my pizza I am trying something different I saw on Bulging Brides or Last 10lbs Bootcamp. It is a pita, was going to use tomatoe paste but a friend warned me it will taste gross so I will use pizza sauce. Veggies and they used chicken but a friend suggested turkey pepperoni. So I am going to use that. I looked at the calorie count and Turkey pepperoni is better for you. Of course the cheese, light cheese!

Have a good day!

Anna

PBSO 5k Walk/Run

Today was the annual Perinatal Bereavement Support of Ontario 5k Fun Run/Walk. This year it was run in Callie McIntyre's memory. This is my first year doing it and I am hoping that it will not be my last. This year I walked. I am in now shape to run. Hopefully next year I will have lost enough weight so I can run. Even better, I have hit the 20 lb mark!!!! I am so happy!

The first 2.5 km were hard but as soon as I hit the halfway point it got easier. I was so excited to do this walk. I walked in honor of my daughter Faith. I can just imagine her cheering on from Heaven. I bet she was so happy. As I am crossing the finish line I held back my emotion because I was ready to cry. I did it! I did it for, Faith, myself to prove that I can do this and all those other little Angels who are gone too soon.

Thank you all who financially supported this cause! Thank you for your moral support and thank you to Will, Joy and Trish who were there at the finish line.

I am just so blessed to have friends and family like all of you!!

Anna

3 LBS to go

I am so excited! Three more pounds to go and I have hit the 20lb mark! I am so excited that I have achieved this. Once again I cannot get through this with all of you. Your support has been overwhelming and positive. Thank you. I still struggle with wanting to binge out on junk food. I will have the odd chocolate bar. My old habit was a bottle of coke and a king size chocolate bar every day on my lunch break. I sometimes hate the whole portioning everything out by the cup, or spoonfuls. At the same time that is what I must do to keep moving forward. It is my my new lifestyle.

Anna

Long Weekend

This weekend it was really nice that Will and I had the weekend off. Mine is a 3 day but his is only a two day. Saturday we went to the gym together. Our work schedules are not the same so we cannot go and workout together. The usual, Will wants to swim but I want to go to the fitness studio. I am up for swimming but not during "Fun Swim". I prefer lane swim. we did our compromise. The Fitness center then the pool. It is nice though because after working out I sat in the hot tub. Near the end of the swim time it died down enough so I was able to some laps. I did not do many. My friend Dee met up with us. She was a little late because of the busses. I am glad she did make it do some swimming. This morning my legs hurt! That is the first time I woke up with sore legs from a working out. I am sure this won't be the last!

Anna

2 weeks..

Well I have just went past the two week mark. I am happy to say that I have lost 14lbs. I am so happy. The gym routine is going. I am starting out at 3 times a week to go. Then work into 5-7 days after. It is so tiring. Trying to balance out work and the gym. Some mornings I wake up and I just have no energy at all. Two days this week I pushed myself to go. Today I did 32 minutes on the treadmill. Normally I do about 15-20 minutes.

I am going through the point where I am so sick of salad. I know I need to eat it. Today I just wanted meat and nothing else!

Anyways that is all for now, I am so exhausted!!!!

Anna

Gym Membership

So today Will and I signed up at the Recreation Center for a Fitness Membership! I am so excited! Today I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at 2 mph. Afterwards we went to the pool. The lane pool was not open until 11:30 so Will and I sat in the whirlpool and relaxed for a bit. Then we were only able to swim two laps. At the end of the first lap I had to stop because my leg started to cramp up. When the cramp went away I did the second lap. Maybe it is not such a wise idea to do both treadmill and swimming. It is a start and I cannot wait to get better on exercise part.

Anna

Week One Update

Well I am so glad that I got through my first week. I pleased to say that I have lost 8lbs so far! I am so excited!!!!! That is all I have to say in this entry!

Anna

Measuring

As I am winding down to the end of the first week of this lifestyle change I am so blessed to know that I have a great support system. Thank you all for your encouraging words. It has meant a lot to me and has helped me through it.

The biggest change for me that I found was hard was measuring everything! Portion control. Yesterday we had a Chicken stir fry with Uncle Ben's Chinese fried rice. When we actually weighed out 42 g I was totally surprised how much it was. One serving spoonful was too much. Amazing what you learn.

Anna

X-Weighted

A couple weeks ago I posted was telling you about the guy that really inspired me to really take this journey seriously. Here is the link of his journey on X-Weighted.

http://xweighted.ca/participants/season-three/mike

Anna

August 18, 2011

I decided to stand on the scale this morning and to my surprise I have lost 3 lbs since Tuesday. I was so surprised when I saw that already.

Yesterday I went over 1100 on my calorie goal. What did it, I ate a whole package of Autumn Trail Mix. 1/3 of a cup is 50 calories. I am so bad. Trail mixes are my favorite! Once I start I cannot stop. I should have listened my my voice in my head telling me to measure!!!! Word of advice, listen to that voice of reasoning!!!

Anna

Counting Calories

Yesterday I finally purchased a scale. I officially know how much I truly weigh. My feelings, I am so embarrassed and ashamed that I have allowed myself to get that big. Honestly the thought of getting pregnant at this point I do not really want to. At the same time I want a baby so bad. Maybe the reason why I haven't conceived yet is because I am so over weight. I got this app for my iPhone it is called My Fitness Pal. It is free. You can enter in what you eat and tells you how much calories you are consuming. You enter in your weight and it calculates how much calories you should be eating. This is going to be new way for me to learn. It is not going to be easy but if I stick to it I know I can do it. Measuring everything out must be done. One thing I learned it is 140 calories per serving for Coffee with Cream and Sugar and tetley tea with Partly Skimmed milk 11 calories. So bye bye coffee! I can have tea with milk and no sugar but to have a coffee with milk and no sugar, no way!

I am looking forward to getting membership for recreation center so I can get fit. I really want to get the full membership but I am afraid I will not be able to use it as often.

Anna

Week One

Well this week I had many struggles. It is frustrating when I really want to take this serious then the temptation to indulge is so strong. I gave in several times. On Monday I walked for about 20 minutes and then bussed the rest of the way. My goal is to be able to walk the whole way to work. I did it once and I could not function at work at all. So I want to work on building up to it.

Anna

Temptation

Now that I am really working on this Healthy Lifestyle change. It is so hard. Today where did we end up going for lunch? McDonald's! I wish they would have more healthier choices. Why is it so hard?

Anna

New Lifestyle

Today on the Reality TV Network they have a marathon of X-Weighted. I have emailed them and told them about my story. They seem to only accept applicants in the west coast. It is a shame. There was this one man who weighs close to what I am now. He lost 113lbs. That has totally inspired me. I know this is not going to be an easy journey for me.

I wanted to try and see if I can do a jog. I maybe did 50m and couldn't do anymore so I kept the rest of the way to a fast walk. Even though I am disappointed that I have not conceived yet, until then I will work on getting as much weight off as I can.

Pray for me that I will have the discipline to eat healthy and exercise more. Thank you.

Anna

July 15, 2011

I do not know what to write. Just in total shock.

One year ago today, I welcomed Faith into this world and 12 minutes later I had to say good bye. Her life was only 12 minutes. Short but precious. I should be having your first birthday party but instead I am going to the cemetery. How fair is that. I love you and miss you Faith!

Today we also learned another shocker, Will's Aunt Trudy passed away. I have fond memories of her. She made me feel welcomed into the Farrow Family. I always enjoyed our chats. We did not see each other often. RIP Aunt Trudy. You are loved by many!

Anna

Cherished Moments

Now that my husband Will is back to work. He has been working for almost 3 months. I notice that he is much happier with his new job. We do not have much time together and we are always rushed. So this morning we sat down at the table and enjoyed a wonderful breakfast together. In a way I am glad we do not do this every morning because when we do have the time to do this it makes it 10 times more special. Times have changed so much now. We are in such a fast paced world where it is hard to sit down as a family to enjoy breakfast together. When those moments come take advantage of them.

Anna

On My Mind

As I am gearing up to what would be Faith's 1st Birthday I am going through a lot of emotions. I am not sure how I feel. In a way I feel relieved because she is in Heaven and not having to rely on a ventilator. Oh how I miss Faith so much. She was so precious to me. That little bit of time I had with her meant so much to me.

At the same time I am sad because I should be watching her taking her first steps. Hearing her first words, hearing her laugh. Reading her a bedtime story, tucking her in bed at night and singing to her. I should be preparing for her 1st Birthday. My heart aches that I am not experiencing all this. Mom's do not take these moments for granted. Cherish these moments you have. Some mother is in agony because she cannot experience it herself.

Today I was thinking, what is Faith doing in Heaven? I would love to see a glimpse of what she is doing. Is she singing, dancing, making her Great Grandparents chase after her. Is she playing with the other babies? So many questions. If only I knew.

Just a reminder, remember every moment you have with your child. They are so precious!

Anna

Feelings

I haven't been blogged for a while. I sometimes do not know what to post. I just do not want to be repetitive. Thinking of starting a new blog and putting an end to this one. Not sure what to do yet.

Lately I have been struggling with feelings of jealously and resentment upon hearing of a pregnancy. Whether it is a rainbow baby or not. I should be happy for them. I just want a baby. My own baby.

The other day at work there was this little boy and he had the cutest laugh. I could hear him laughing throughout the store. All I could think of, "I would love to hear Faith's laugh.". Tried to get emotional.

That is all I have to share for now.

Anna

Righteousness

Today in my devotional time I felt that I needed to share this as well. All I have to say Thank you Jesus for you Grace!!!!! Hope you are encouraged by this!!!

30 Days with Paul- Women's Devotional Bible

Elusive Righteousness- Romans 3:9-26

• Verses 9-20 pretty much states that we are full of sin, not righteous and under the law we would be considered not righteous.

“Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.” Romans 3:20 (NIV)

• Verses 21-26 states the solution to the sin problem. It is redemption through Jesus.

“This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, For all all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that come by Christ Jesus.” Romans 3:22-24 (NIV)

Thank you Jesus once again for your reminder of your grace.

Anna

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Today is a difficult day. This was supposed to be my first Mother's day with my little girl. Instead she is in Heaven. I miss her like crazy. A friend sent me an email and she totally understands what I am going through. Then I started to think of my own Mom.

This is for you Mom! I am so blessed to have you in my life. You were there when I needed you the most. You supported me no matter what. Thank you for being you. I love you and wish you all the best!

Love, Anna

Mother's Day 2011

This weekend I am finding hard. I want to celebrate my Mom because she is an awesome woman! At the same time I am so sad because I am missing my girl. I just want to hold her and cuddle her. It hurts so much. I was determined not to go anywhere this weekend. I did go out a couple times. Honestly I couldn't go out once without someone wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day". You can't say much to them because they do not know me or know the past year has been like. So I hurry away to avoid having an emotional break down. It hurts so much. So if you happen to wish me a Happy Mother's day please do not get offended if I don't respond back. This is not an easy day.

Anna

Reflecting

Looking back to my feelings in the past couple weeks has been interesting. I have had my ups and downs. Realizing where God's hand has been. As much as my prayer was for Will to get back to work so we can stop depending on others to help us out. The lesson I have learned is depending on God to provide our needs and stop being so prideful. The hardest thing to accept is help from others.

For those who have helped us out in many ways I just want to say Thank you!

So my birthday/ Easter Weekend went well. It was busy. I spend it mostly with family. I just didn't want to make a big thing of my birthday. My 32nd Birthday was not very well, and it cast a shadow on my future birthdays. I didn't get my wish that Faith was going to be healthy. This year for my 33rd birthday I wanted to be pregnant, well that didn't happen. On a good note one of my birthday wishes came true and that was Will got a job. It was in the field that he went to school for. So I am very proud of him. Took 5 years after he completed his schooling to get somewhere.

Anna

33rd Birthday tomorrow

As we are coming up to my 33rd birthday and Easter weekend I am finding it difficult. Last year my birthday my only wish was the resutls from the amniocentisis was that Faith did not have Thanatophoric Dysplasia. I didn't get it. So I am reminded of that this year and not really in the mood to celebrate at all. At the same time I just want to go on and enjoy life. Still hurts a lot.

This year I am just glad to be surrounded by my family. That is what means a lot to me this year!

Anna

God Desires Relationship

Today I was reading Exodus 20:1-21, yes it is about the law and 10 commandments. But verses 18-21 stood out to me. God wanted to talk to people directly but the Israelites were too afraid. They would only let Moses repeat back what God says. How many times do we depend on our Pastors and church leadership to bring us God's word. Yes, I am guilty of that myself. It is great that our Pastors bring us the work every week. They continue to seek the Lord everyday themselves, so they can bring the word to us.

So with all that said and done, how is your relationship with God?

Anna

The Wilderness

This past Sunday at church the topic was The Wilderness. James 1:1-5 really stuck out out me. Especially verses 3 to 4. "Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so you may be mature and not lacking anything." James 1:3-4 (NIV) As I have stated in the past entries that this past year has been a nightmare. I questioned whether God was there or not. Hoped that by not terminating the pregnancy that God would reward me by proving the medical field wrong and bring home a healthy baby. Through it all God was there but no we didn't bring home our baby. So what good came out of this? Within the first 3 years of our marriage, getting pregnant, have to bury our child and to top it off my husband losing his job. That is a lot to go through within 3 years. Through this my Will and I have come through it all and we are still in love and stronger than we were as a couple last year. Anna

Almost a Year living in this Nightmare

Well last year at this time that is when my nightmare began. That is when we found out about the heart condition and then a couple days later was the 20 wk ultrasound and that is when they noticed the skeltetal dysplasia. When does life get back to normal? It has almost been 9 mths since Faith made her short apperance on earth and it still hurts. I miss my child so much! For all you parents out there who have your children, hold them close and make sure you tell them you love them. Cherish each moment you have! You never know how long they will be here on earth. Anna

This Weekend

Last weekend started off well but didn't end very well. Maybe I pushed myself too hard. The next day at church something happned that totally ruined it. I spent the rest of the weekend in a really bad state. It lasted for two days. I was not able to do anything but sit at home and cry.

This weekend was way better. Friday my Mom moved in to her apartment! Yippeee!!!! I am so happy for her. She deserves to have a place of her own. She doesn't have to share her apartment with anyone! It is great to see Mom happy!

Saturday was my friend Traci's birthday party. It was awesome! We went Milestone's Resturant in Whitby. It was nice to sit back relax. Afterwards we hung out at Traci's for a bit!

Sunday I went to visit the church I used to attend in Ajax called Christian Life Centre. It felt like I was at home. It was nice to see everyone. My friend Andrea is home from Romania. It was so nice to see her. Whenever she is home I make sure I see her. She is a missionary. I got to meet the new Pastor, Pastor Sam today as well. I heard so many good things about him. The message was Emulate. Which means to Copy, Imitate. We are to imitate Christ.

After church had more fellowship time with Traci and Glen.

The rest of the day I spent it with my hubby! We have been having problems with our kitchen faucet. It was constantly dripping so we replaced it. Then it was leaking in the basement. That got fixed. Then the past few days we turn on the tap and it was a little tricle of water was coming out. The rest of the taps were fine all over the house. Will finally figured out the problem, it was clogged, well that got fixed today! Whoo hooo!!!

Tomorrow is day 3 of my weekend. I wonder what tomorrow will bring???

Good Night and God Bless you!!!

Anna

First Baby Shower

Yesterday (March 26, 2011), I attended my first baby shower since I lost Faith. I was so nervous and scared. The weeks leading up to it the thought of even going out to buy a gift I lost control of my emotions. I would just cry. I am do glad my husband came with me to buy the gift. I handled it well. It is a blessing to have a wonderful husband like I do. He is right by my side when I need him. I wrestled all week can I really handle going to the baby shower. At the same time I was determined to be there for her. There was a 2.5 month old baby girl there and that was the hard part. I got through the day. Had a wonderful time at the shower. I am so glad that I went.

Andrea, I am so happy for you. I pray all the blessings in the world for you and your family, and for a safe and quick delivery. Most of all I pray for a happy healthy baby girl!!!!

Anna

Update

So Will has been out of work for over a month. It is so frustrating! Trying to make ends meet is so tough. How much longer is this going to go on. So I have had to start to look for a second job. I just don't know what to do anymore.


I am doing well other than that. There are still some days where I find it hard. What really gets to me is hearing a newborn cry. The worst part is serving a customer while their newborn is fussing. I just want to walk off my cash register but I can't. Having to hold in the tears is so hard too.


I don't know why, but I was called to cash today and came back and the $2 pricing gun I was using was taken. I was almost crying over that, oh my goodness that is totally crazy! What is wrong with me????


Anna

Blessings

I am so thankful that I have Jesus in my life. Without his strength I would not have been able to get through it all. Yes, I had my moments where I was so angry with God for allowing me to go through this. Even though it was not easy I was blessed with a beautiful little girl. Even though she lived for around 12 minutes, it was the best 12 minutes of my life. I miss Faith so much. I know she is in Heaven worshiping God. Some of my moments I would play for her worship music on my belly and she would just be moving away like crazy. She loved it.

For a while I just had a hard time going to church. Every part of my being did not want to be there. I would go just for the sake of going. The past few weeks have been different. My physical body just did not want to go. I just wanted to stay at home and rest, but my Spiritual being was saying, "Come on Anna, you got to go to church." I was obedient to that voice and I was totally blessed. I feel recharged, and greater felt greater joy. I don't have to force a smile, it just came naturally.

A few weeks ago I was still feeling down, it hit me. The more angry I feel towards God the devil was happy. So I decided to Praise Jesus for all he has done. After all, if I didn't have Jesus in my life I would not have been able to get through this part of my life. I would rather make God happy than the devil.

I am just a blessed woman, I have an awesome husband! My family rocks! My OCC family, my goodness what a church! They totally blessed Will and I through this difficult time. My friends, thank you all for being here for us to get through this difficult journey. Thank you Jesus! For your love displayed toward me.

Anna

Today

So today I find myself really missing Faith. I want to hold her so bad. I really hate the What if I did choose to ventilate her? Would she be around. At the same time even if I did I don't think she would have even made it to that point because she lived around 12 minutes so they wouldn't have had enough time to get her hooked up.

The point of that day after everyone had left and it was Will, Faith and I, deep down inside I just hoped she would suddenly just start crying because she needed to be fed. I hoped that they were so wrong and she was still alive. I miss her and it is not fair. Why did I have to come home empty handed? Why??????????????

Anna

Better Days

Days are getting better. I still have the moments where I will break down and cry. There are times when I look at Faith's picture and I just want to hold her so bad. I am looking forward to the day when I get to hold her again. The waiting sucks but it will be worth it.

This morning I wasn't feeling the greatest but the thing that really stood out to me was that I really wanted to go to church. This mornings message was on Jehovah Rapha, the Lord our Healer, Exodus 15:26. I was able to sit through hearing the message without getting angry. For a long time any message on healing made me angry. I would ask God, "Why didn't you heal my baby?". I guess that is progress.

Anna

Still Missing Her

Seven months has gone by since Faith grew her wings. I miss her so much. I keep hoping and praying that I get to hold her in my dreams and that hasn't happened yet. It only happened once. Today I was thinking to myself, maybe we should have ventilated her. Regardless I would have loved her anyways. It just hurts so much. So many of my friends and family have came home with their baby. Why not me? Feelings of jealousy are still there but at the same time relief that they didn't have to go through what I went through. Well that is all for today.

Anna

More Trials but Still Trusting....

Four weeks ago we had another blow come our way. Will got his 4 wks termination notice at work. It is so frustrating. One thing after another! Regardless we are still going to trust God. I admit it isn't easy, especially what we have dealt with in the past year.

Today we are going to my friends daughter 1st birthday party. I am a little nervous because I am not sure how it is going to go with me emotionally. I will keep my head up and be joyful for little Aletheia! What a precious little girl!

Bye for now!

Anna

Meeting Eli

Yesterday I got to meet my friend Becky's newborn son Eli. Lately I have been really going through the "I want a baby to hold" stage. Empty arm feeling just sucks the most. I enjoyed every moment holding him. I did have a moment where I held back my tears was when Eli's sister Resa was singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". It was such a beautiful moment. The hardest thing for me to do was put him down.

I miss my baby girl so much. Becky if you are reading, Thank you so much for letting me hold him. It meant a lot ot me.

Anna

Just Past 6 Months

Last weekend was Faith's 6 month anniversary. Some days are still harder than others. I hate it when the days leading up to it my emotions are everywhere. I tend to snap. Those days I try to avoid being around people.

We got more bad news but I can't share that. It is hard to "Trust God". I want to but I find it very difficult to take those steps, and not be angry at God. All I can say on that issue is Help! Honestly I find it very hard to go to church. I feel that there isn't anyone to talk to because I know people will say, "Have faith, Pray etc." I am sorry but that is not what I want to hear. The church these days need to realize some people don't want advice they just want a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen. Please don't take what I am saying the wrong way. It is my thoughts and feelings coming out. I love you my brothers and sisters in Christ very much.

Now I find I am at the point if the sight of a baby doesn't upset me, I have the strong desire to hold that baby. I can't walk up to a stranger, "Oh may I hold your baby?" I think they will think I am some crazy woman. Hopefully we will concieve soon. I hate the empty arms feeling.

Thank you all for reading my blog entry.

Love,

Anna