Monday, May 31, 2010

Oshawa Zoo

Today I had my OB appointment. My blood pressure is up, still trying to keep it down. I know it is normal for pregnancy but I don't like it. Had to drink the carbonated orange drink, the gestational diabetes test. It was yummy! Heard Faith's heartbeat, it is good and strong!

Today I went to the Oshawa Zoo with my sister in law Jenny and my nephew Dean. I had a wonderful time. You can buy popcorn to feed to the animals too, I ended up eating most of it. It was yummy! Today I got to hold a chick for the first time. Unfortunalty I didn't have a pic from my camera.


Friday, May 28, 2010

27 Weeks Today

Today I am 27 Weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how quick the time is passing. In 13 weeks I will be giving birth to my baby girl. I just want her to prove these doctors wrong. It is hard to understand, this baby is wanted so much. Then we get these teenagers who get pregnant and have healthy babies. Why me? Why? I am happily married, did it right and this is what I get. I should be setting up the nursery but no instead I have to plan a funeral. NOT FAIR!!!!

Friday, May 21, 2010


As the days are going on, I am coping a lot better. My bad moments are not as often. One thing I can say, whatever the outcome, I am at peace. As much as I want my daughter to live. I can accept whatever God chooses.


Monday, May 17, 2010

The Word

I struggle a lot with spending time in the reading God's word and Prayer. In the christian walk it is crucial. Now that I am not working I have plenty of time to do it. Honestly I just lack the desire to do it. When I was younger I did it out of duty and it is the "thing" to do. I just don't want to do it out of "duty" or the "thing" to do. I want my heart to be in it. God give me the hunger and desire to read your work and to seek you.

Today I got in the work and found some verses and reminders that stuck out to me.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them" Genesis 1:27 (NIV)

"I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

It is a reminder to me because I constantly struggle with how I see myself. In God's eyes He loves me as I am.

It is also says that Faith is perfect no matter what. He has created her. I have no problem accepting her as her. It is to remind my baby Faith that she is perfect, and Will and I love her the way she is. Just like God loves her.

We all have flaws, but regardless of our flaws God loves us for who we are.


Friday, May 14, 2010


I find that the mornings are difficult. That is when I cry like crazy. Why are mornings so hard? It supposed to be a new day where you start fresh. Instead you wake and don't want to get out of bed.

I spoke to my father in law and sister in law, Jenny today and it helped. As much as I cried my face off. After that the day got better. I spent some much needed time with my husband. We went to the library, returned some dvd's. We bought the movie "Simon Birch". I remember watching that years ago. It is funny and a tear jerker too. It is about a boy who is a dwarf, destined to die because he had a small heart. He lived and believed he had some purpose for his life, he was going to be a hero. People laughed at him and wouldn't believe it. Until the bus they were riding crashed and ended up in the lake. That is all I am going to tell you. Rent it or buy it.

Good Night!


Thursday, May 13, 2010


Today is a not an okay day. I try to distract myself from situation. It just hurts so much. All I could do this morning is ask God, "Why????". I just don't understand why God would allow us to go through something like this. Wake me up, it feels like I am in a nightmare and I can't wake up. Then it hits me, no it isn't a nightmare it is reality.

As I am thinking of this maybe I should read the Book of Job. He lost everything but held on to God.


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Better Day today

Today was a better day. I got to go out and do some shopping and visit with a friend of mine named Lisa.

I hate being cooped up in the house but at the same time I am afraid to go out in public as well. Just the site of a baby upsets me. I really don't need to have an emotional breakdown in public either.

I am blessed to have a wonderful church. Oshawa Community Church has been a wonderful support to Will and I in so many ways. Thank you OCC! You are loved by us and we appreciate everything you have done to help us out.



Oshawa Community Church

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Happy Anniversary!

Yesterday was my 2 year wedding anniversary. Lately I haven't really been in the mood to celebrate. Two weeks ago was my birthday and yesteday was my anniverasry. Will worked yesterday. I had to see my doctor. He wanted to check out my blood pressure because last time I went to my OB it was a little high and with everything that has been going on. Still battling the little bit of this cold. It is almost done. I got my ventolin filled and that has made a big difference.

I still remember my wedding day. The most special day of my life. I have been blessed with a loving husband. Will treats me very well. He may not spoil me with material things but he spoils me with love and affection. If I had to go back and do it all over again, I will!

Happy Anniversary My Love! xoxox


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you mother's out there. It is a blessing to be a Mom. I was raised in a sinble parent home. Mom and Dad are divorced and for the longest time my Dad was not in my life.

My Mom is my hero! She did a fabulous job raising me. Thank you Mom! I love you!

Today is difficult for me in 3 months I am suppose to become a Mom and it hurts deep down inside. I want a miracle so bad. I have been so exctied to become a Mom and now TD has shattered my dream.

So for all you Mom's out there who wish you could go back cause you made a bad choice. Snap out if it. You have been given a gift. Cherish it because in an instant that gift can be taken away.


Saturday, May 8, 2010


When this finding out this news a verse in the Bible stood out to me.

"Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

It is a struggle because, all I hear and see is the doctor result and the bad outcome. At the same time trying to trust God and His plan. I do not want to lose my baby girl Faith.


PS: here are a few links to check out.

Friday, May 7, 2010

The Start

This is called Journey of Faith for a reason. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant and got a bad report. We are having a girl. When we found out we are having a girl we were going to name her Beth. After all this testing we had endured we decided to change her name to Faith. Faith means "Belief" and "Confidence". At that time we thought we were only dealing with Ventricular Septal Defect. Two days later after finding out even more heartbreaking news.

December 2009:

Great news! Will and I found out our precious child is on the way. A week before Christmas. Now that is a Christmas present. We were so happy. You know the "rule", "Shhhhh.... to wait for the first 3 months.". It was totally thrown out the window. I have known a few people who have suffered miscarriages at 4th and 5th month of their pregnancy. I couldn't contain myself.

February 2010:

I went for my 12 week ultrasound. I got a call from the doctor shortly after. The nuchel translucency was 6mm. At 12 weeks of pregnancy it should only be 3mm. An increased nuchel translucency is a possible sign of Down Syndrome. We could live with that. Those children are special and I melt every time I see them. I cannot help but smile.

March 2010:

I went for an Amniocentisis to find out exactley what is wrong. If you can avoid one of those, go for it. It hurt when that needle went in. When we got the results we were so happy. Chromosone count was normal, and it is a girl!

April 2010:

I was sent for a Fetal EKG. They were checking the heart cause with a high nuchel translucency result also could be heart condition. We learned that day her left ventrical was smaller than the right. The blood was flowing to the right side but not the left. That is fixable by surgery. A couple days later, I went for my 20 week ultrasound. They noticed that her limbs and rib cage are smaller than what it should be. It was a sign of dwarfism. That I can handle. The form that they were talking is called Thanatophoric Dysplasia. Which is fatal. They saved some amnio fluid from my amniocentsis and sent it off for further testing.

May 2010:

We got the offical results. Faith has been diagnosed with Thanatophoric Dysplasia. We are totally devasted by this news. We were sent to Mt. Sinai hospital for a second opinion. They also confirmed that is what she has and there is no hope for survival after she is born.

What is Thantophoric Dysplasia?

It is a fatal form of dwarfism. The rib cage and chest is too small and the lungs cannot develop and she cannot breathe on her own. She would require a breathing tube to help her breathe.

We have been advised to terminate but we won't. I don't believe in, and I refuse to play God. Will and I have placed Faith in God's hands and if chooses for her to live great! If not that is his choice. This is a difficult journey to be on.

We are relying on God for a miracle. I also accept His decision for Faith's life no matter what.

This is my blog, my journey of Faith. Hope this offers hope and healing to someone going through the same thing as I am.