The Wilderness

This past Sunday at church the topic was The Wilderness. James 1:1-5 really stuck out out me. Especially verses 3 to 4. "Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work so you may be mature and not lacking anything." James 1:3-4 (NIV) As I have stated in the past entries that this past year has been a nightmare. I questioned whether God was there or not. Hoped that by not terminating the pregnancy that God would reward me by proving the medical field wrong and bring home a healthy baby. Through it all God was there but no we didn't bring home our baby. So what good came out of this? Within the first 3 years of our marriage, getting pregnant, have to bury our child and to top it off my husband losing his job. That is a lot to go through within 3 years. Through this my Will and I have come through it all and we are still in love and stronger than we were as a couple last year. Anna

Almost a Year living in this Nightmare

Well last year at this time that is when my nightmare began. That is when we found out about the heart condition and then a couple days later was the 20 wk ultrasound and that is when they noticed the skeltetal dysplasia. When does life get back to normal? It has almost been 9 mths since Faith made her short apperance on earth and it still hurts. I miss my child so much! For all you parents out there who have your children, hold them close and make sure you tell them you love them. Cherish each moment you have! You never know how long they will be here on earth. Anna

This Weekend

Last weekend started off well but didn't end very well. Maybe I pushed myself too hard. The next day at church something happned that totally ruined it. I spent the rest of the weekend in a really bad state. It lasted for two days. I was not able to do anything but sit at home and cry.

This weekend was way better. Friday my Mom moved in to her apartment! Yippeee!!!! I am so happy for her. She deserves to have a place of her own. She doesn't have to share her apartment with anyone! It is great to see Mom happy!

Saturday was my friend Traci's birthday party. It was awesome! We went Milestone's Resturant in Whitby. It was nice to sit back relax. Afterwards we hung out at Traci's for a bit!

Sunday I went to visit the church I used to attend in Ajax called Christian Life Centre. It felt like I was at home. It was nice to see everyone. My friend Andrea is home from Romania. It was so nice to see her. Whenever she is home I make sure I see her. She is a missionary. I got to meet the new Pastor, Pastor Sam today as well. I heard so many good things about him. The message was Emulate. Which means to Copy, Imitate. We are to imitate Christ.

After church had more fellowship time with Traci and Glen.

The rest of the day I spent it with my hubby! We have been having problems with our kitchen faucet. It was constantly dripping so we replaced it. Then it was leaking in the basement. That got fixed. Then the past few days we turn on the tap and it was a little tricle of water was coming out. The rest of the taps were fine all over the house. Will finally figured out the problem, it was clogged, well that got fixed today! Whoo hooo!!!

Tomorrow is day 3 of my weekend. I wonder what tomorrow will bring???

Good Night and God Bless you!!!

Anna

First Baby Shower

Yesterday (March 26, 2011), I attended my first baby shower since I lost Faith. I was so nervous and scared. The weeks leading up to it the thought of even going out to buy a gift I lost control of my emotions. I would just cry. I am do glad my husband came with me to buy the gift. I handled it well. It is a blessing to have a wonderful husband like I do. He is right by my side when I need him. I wrestled all week can I really handle going to the baby shower. At the same time I was determined to be there for her. There was a 2.5 month old baby girl there and that was the hard part. I got through the day. Had a wonderful time at the shower. I am so glad that I went.

Andrea, I am so happy for you. I pray all the blessings in the world for you and your family, and for a safe and quick delivery. Most of all I pray for a happy healthy baby girl!!!!

Anna

Update

So Will has been out of work for over a month. It is so frustrating! Trying to make ends meet is so tough. How much longer is this going to go on. So I have had to start to look for a second job. I just don't know what to do anymore.


I am doing well other than that. There are still some days where I find it hard. What really gets to me is hearing a newborn cry. The worst part is serving a customer while their newborn is fussing. I just want to walk off my cash register but I can't. Having to hold in the tears is so hard too.


I don't know why, but I was called to cash today and came back and the $2 pricing gun I was using was taken. I was almost crying over that, oh my goodness that is totally crazy! What is wrong with me????


Anna

Blessings

I am so thankful that I have Jesus in my life. Without his strength I would not have been able to get through it all. Yes, I had my moments where I was so angry with God for allowing me to go through this. Even though it was not easy I was blessed with a beautiful little girl. Even though she lived for around 12 minutes, it was the best 12 minutes of my life. I miss Faith so much. I know she is in Heaven worshiping God. Some of my moments I would play for her worship music on my belly and she would just be moving away like crazy. She loved it.

For a while I just had a hard time going to church. Every part of my being did not want to be there. I would go just for the sake of going. The past few weeks have been different. My physical body just did not want to go. I just wanted to stay at home and rest, but my Spiritual being was saying, "Come on Anna, you got to go to church." I was obedient to that voice and I was totally blessed. I feel recharged, and greater felt greater joy. I don't have to force a smile, it just came naturally.

A few weeks ago I was still feeling down, it hit me. The more angry I feel towards God the devil was happy. So I decided to Praise Jesus for all he has done. After all, if I didn't have Jesus in my life I would not have been able to get through this part of my life. I would rather make God happy than the devil.

I am just a blessed woman, I have an awesome husband! My family rocks! My OCC family, my goodness what a church! They totally blessed Will and I through this difficult time. My friends, thank you all for being here for us to get through this difficult journey. Thank you Jesus! For your love displayed toward me.

Anna

Today

So today I find myself really missing Faith. I want to hold her so bad. I really hate the What if I did choose to ventilate her? Would she be around. At the same time even if I did I don't think she would have even made it to that point because she lived around 12 minutes so they wouldn't have had enough time to get her hooked up.

The point of that day after everyone had left and it was Will, Faith and I, deep down inside I just hoped she would suddenly just start crying because she needed to be fed. I hoped that they were so wrong and she was still alive. I miss her and it is not fair. Why did I have to come home empty handed? Why??????????????

Anna