Reflecting

Looking back to my feelings in the past couple weeks has been interesting. I have had my ups and downs. Realizing where God's hand has been. As much as my prayer was for Will to get back to work so we can stop depending on others to help us out. The lesson I have learned is depending on God to provide our needs and stop being so prideful. The hardest thing to accept is help from others.

For those who have helped us out in many ways I just want to say Thank you!

So my birthday/ Easter Weekend went well. It was busy. I spend it mostly with family. I just didn't want to make a big thing of my birthday. My 32nd Birthday was not very well, and it cast a shadow on my future birthdays. I didn't get my wish that Faith was going to be healthy. This year for my 33rd birthday I wanted to be pregnant, well that didn't happen. On a good note one of my birthday wishes came true and that was Will got a job. It was in the field that he went to school for. So I am very proud of him. Took 5 years after he completed his schooling to get somewhere.

Anna

This Weekend

Last weekend started off well but didn't end very well. Maybe I pushed myself too hard. The next day at church something happned that totally ruined it. I spent the rest of the weekend in a really bad state. It lasted for two days. I was not able to do anything but sit at home and cry.

This weekend was way better. Friday my Mom moved in to her apartment! Yippeee!!!! I am so happy for her. She deserves to have a place of her own. She doesn't have to share her apartment with anyone! It is great to see Mom happy!

Saturday was my friend Traci's birthday party. It was awesome! We went Milestone's Resturant in Whitby. It was nice to sit back relax. Afterwards we hung out at Traci's for a bit!

Sunday I went to visit the church I used to attend in Ajax called Christian Life Centre. It felt like I was at home. It was nice to see everyone. My friend Andrea is home from Romania. It was so nice to see her. Whenever she is home I make sure I see her. She is a missionary. I got to meet the new Pastor, Pastor Sam today as well. I heard so many good things about him. The message was Emulate. Which means to Copy, Imitate. We are to imitate Christ.

After church had more fellowship time with Traci and Glen.

The rest of the day I spent it with my hubby! We have been having problems with our kitchen faucet. It was constantly dripping so we replaced it. Then it was leaking in the basement. That got fixed. Then the past few days we turn on the tap and it was a little tricle of water was coming out. The rest of the taps were fine all over the house. Will finally figured out the problem, it was clogged, well that got fixed today! Whoo hooo!!!

Tomorrow is day 3 of my weekend. I wonder what tomorrow will bring???

Good Night and God Bless you!!!

Anna

The Word

I struggle a lot with spending time in the reading God's word and Prayer. In the christian walk it is crucial. Now that I am not working I have plenty of time to do it. Honestly I just lack the desire to do it. When I was younger I did it out of duty and it is the "thing" to do. I just don't want to do it out of "duty" or the "thing" to do. I want my heart to be in it. God give me the hunger and desire to read your work and to seek you.

Today I got in the work and found some verses and reminders that stuck out to me.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them" Genesis 1:27 (NIV)

"I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

It is a reminder to me because I constantly struggle with how I see myself. In God's eyes He loves me as I am.

It is also says that Faith is perfect no matter what. He has created her. I have no problem accepting her as her. It is to remind my baby Faith that she is perfect, and Will and I love her the way she is. Just like God loves her.

We all have flaws, but regardless of our flaws God loves us for who we are.

Anna

The Start

This is called Journey of Faith for a reason. I am currently 24 weeks pregnant and got a bad report. We are having a girl. When we found out we are having a girl we were going to name her Beth. After all this testing we had endured we decided to change her name to Faith. Faith means "Belief" and "Confidence". At that time we thought we were only dealing with Ventricular Septal Defect. Two days later after finding out even more heartbreaking news.

December 2009:

Great news! Will and I found out our precious child is on the way. A week before Christmas. Now that is a Christmas present. We were so happy. You know the "rule", "Shhhhh.... to wait for the first 3 months.". It was totally thrown out the window. I have known a few people who have suffered miscarriages at 4th and 5th month of their pregnancy. I couldn't contain myself.

February 2010:

I went for my 12 week ultrasound. I got a call from the doctor shortly after. The nuchel translucency was 6mm. At 12 weeks of pregnancy it should only be 3mm. An increased nuchel translucency is a possible sign of Down Syndrome. We could live with that. Those children are special and I melt every time I see them. I cannot help but smile.

March 2010:

I went for an Amniocentisis to find out exactley what is wrong. If you can avoid one of those, go for it. It hurt when that needle went in. When we got the results we were so happy. Chromosone count was normal, and it is a girl!

April 2010:

I was sent for a Fetal EKG. They were checking the heart cause with a high nuchel translucency result also could be heart condition. We learned that day her left ventrical was smaller than the right. The blood was flowing to the right side but not the left. That is fixable by surgery. A couple days later, I went for my 20 week ultrasound. They noticed that her limbs and rib cage are smaller than what it should be. It was a sign of dwarfism. That I can handle. The form that they were talking is called Thanatophoric Dysplasia. Which is fatal. They saved some amnio fluid from my amniocentsis and sent it off for further testing.

May 2010:

We got the offical results. Faith has been diagnosed with Thanatophoric Dysplasia. We are totally devasted by this news. We were sent to Mt. Sinai hospital for a second opinion. They also confirmed that is what she has and there is no hope for survival after she is born.

What is Thantophoric Dysplasia?

It is a fatal form of dwarfism. The rib cage and chest is too small and the lungs cannot develop and she cannot breathe on her own. She would require a breathing tube to help her breathe.

We have been advised to terminate but we won't. I don't believe in, and I refuse to play God. Will and I have placed Faith in God's hands and if chooses for her to live great! If not that is his choice. This is a difficult journey to be on.

We are relying on God for a miracle. I also accept His decision for Faith's life no matter what.

This is my blog, my journey of Faith. Hope this offers hope and healing to someone going through the same thing as I am.

Anna