Still Missing Her

Seven months has gone by since Faith grew her wings. I miss her so much. I keep hoping and praying that I get to hold her in my dreams and that hasn't happened yet. It only happened once. Today I was thinking to myself, maybe we should have ventilated her. Regardless I would have loved her anyways. It just hurts so much. So many of my friends and family have came home with their baby. Why not me? Feelings of jealousy are still there but at the same time relief that they didn't have to go through what I went through. Well that is all for today.

Anna

More Trials but Still Trusting....

Four weeks ago we had another blow come our way. Will got his 4 wks termination notice at work. It is so frustrating. One thing after another! Regardless we are still going to trust God. I admit it isn't easy, especially what we have dealt with in the past year.

Today we are going to my friends daughter 1st birthday party. I am a little nervous because I am not sure how it is going to go with me emotionally. I will keep my head up and be joyful for little Aletheia! What a precious little girl!

Bye for now!

Anna

Meeting Eli

Yesterday I got to meet my friend Becky's newborn son Eli. Lately I have been really going through the "I want a baby to hold" stage. Empty arm feeling just sucks the most. I enjoyed every moment holding him. I did have a moment where I held back my tears was when Eli's sister Resa was singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star". It was such a beautiful moment. The hardest thing for me to do was put him down.

I miss my baby girl so much. Becky if you are reading, Thank you so much for letting me hold him. It meant a lot ot me.

Anna

Just Past 6 Months

Last weekend was Faith's 6 month anniversary. Some days are still harder than others. I hate it when the days leading up to it my emotions are everywhere. I tend to snap. Those days I try to avoid being around people.

We got more bad news but I can't share that. It is hard to "Trust God". I want to but I find it very difficult to take those steps, and not be angry at God. All I can say on that issue is Help! Honestly I find it very hard to go to church. I feel that there isn't anyone to talk to because I know people will say, "Have faith, Pray etc." I am sorry but that is not what I want to hear. The church these days need to realize some people don't want advice they just want a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen. Please don't take what I am saying the wrong way. It is my thoughts and feelings coming out. I love you my brothers and sisters in Christ very much.

Now I find I am at the point if the sight of a baby doesn't upset me, I have the strong desire to hold that baby. I can't walk up to a stranger, "Oh may I hold your baby?" I think they will think I am some crazy woman. Hopefully we will concieve soon. I hate the empty arms feeling.

Thank you all for reading my blog entry.

Love,

Anna

2010, year in Review.

Last year at this time of the year my husband and I were so excited! We were going to welcome our first baby in 2010. There were supposed to be 3 babies coming into my family in 2010. Only one was successfull. I am so happy for my cousin Amy. A child is such a blessing. Amelia such a beautiful baby girl. Hopefully someday I will get to meet her, distance is the issue. The other two babies supposed to be born in 2010, not so successful. One was a Blightened Ovum and my baby Faith, lost her to Thanatophoric Dysplasia. I also lost my Grandma in January 2010. It was expected because her body was starting to shut down. I never got to say good bye. That is what bothered me the most. Grandma I love you and miss you. I also know you are probably holding your great grandchild Faith. Faith you will always be in my heart and I will never forget you, ever.

The good,

• my Aunt overcame Colon Cancer. I am so happy for her. Aunt Corrine, you are a fighter and I am so proud of you.
• I learned what an awesome church I have, and amazing Pastors
• I have discovered who my real friends are
• I have met some amazing strong women who went through the same journey as I did. Thank you for being hear for me and I hope I was able to give you the support that you gave me.
• As I mentioned before the safe arrival of my cousin Amy's little girl Amelia.

Thank you Jesus for getting me through this year. Even though there were times it felt like you were no there I know you were.

So good bye to 2010, and Hello 2011!

Anna Farrow

First Christmas

This Christmas went better than I expected. It was still hard, I still cried. We lit a candle in her memory yesteday. Also I lit one for my Grandma Borchuk as this is her first Christmas in Heaven too. The days leading up to Christmas were not so easy. Christmas Eve at work was hard. Unfortunatley I could not get it off like I requested. A customer asked me if I had a little one. You don't know how to respond. It is like yes I have a little one but at the same time I don't. The only thing I can get out is no. Also I saw the nurse that delivered Faith too. All day long I was fighting the urge to cry. By the time my last break hit I let it out. I am so glad that I was surrounded by family. It meant a lot to me.

I hope you all had a good Christmas. Hoping 2011 will be a better one.

Anna

Snow!

Winter is coming, in my opinion when it snows, Winter is here!

Everytime it snows I get so emotional. It is so beautiful. Faith comes to mind. In my mind I hear her shouting with excitment. "Mommy! Daddy! It is snowing!" I also picture her building a snowman and then making a snow angel. Oh my I miss Faith so much.

Anna

Anna