Christmas is coming

Christmas is my favorite holiday. This year is going to be tough, but we are going to make the best of it.

This year I did not attend the Santa Claus parade, I am just not ready for that yet. I know just seeing all these parents with their kids will be hard to look at. Knowing that I will never have these moments with Faith. So insead I went to church for the IWorship night. Yesterday after the mall is closed they keep Santa's place open so pets can have their pictures with Santa. We caught the few kids just finishing up. Will and I go teary eyed and couldn't stand their any longer.

I know we will get through it, please be patient with us.

Anna

Days are better

I know I haven't been writing in here as often as I have been. Since I have returned back to work, I have been so tired. My days are better. When I see the babies at work it does not bother me as much. I find though when I hear a newborn cry that is what gets to me. When Faith was born she didn't cry, and her eyes were closed. The only movement I saw was her mouth and I could tell she was gasping for air. I wanted to breathe some air into her. If only I did, I might have had more than 12 minutes. As I have said before those 12 minutes were precious.

Am I still angry at God? No, not anymore.

Anna

Christmas 2010

So last year I was so excited for this coming Christmas till my dreams got shattered. I had so many hopes and dreams. This would be Faith's first Christmas. It still is, she is just in Heaven. She gets to spend her first Christmas celebrating Jesus' birthday with Jesus! Ok I am jealous now, lol! My response was this, not making a big deal about Christmas, no Christmas Tree going up. It finally hit me. Faith would love the tree being up. Faith would be happy to see us enjoying Christmas. So this year as hard is it is going to be, I am going to enjoy Christmas and the tree is going up.

Anna

Video

Here is the video I made for Faith's funeral. It is also posted on YouTube as well.

Anna

3 Months

October 15 marked Faith's 3mth anniversary. It was a difficult day. Will and I were both off. We went to the flower shop and got a rose for the cemetary. We went to the grave site. It was very emotional time. Later on the night at 7pm it was the wave of light. To remember all of our little angels. Also October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.

Since being back to work it is still a struggle to keep my emotions intact. Being at home I was able to shelter myself from it. I bite my tongue a lot so I don't take it out on my co-workers. Sometimes I wonder how much long before I speak my mind. God Help me on that one please.

Anna

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Week

Most of you are not aware of this week unless you have experienced this yourself. October 9-15th is that week. October 15, is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. So if you have experienced it yourself or know someone who has at 7pm light a candle in memory of that angel baby. It is called the Wave of Light.

Anna

Update -Work

Well it has been almost 3 weeks since I have returned to work. I never thought I would be this excited to return to work. There are some tough days, as I work in retail. Sometimes a someone will walk by me with a newborn baby girl and there are days I hold back the tears. Most of the time when I notice an infant seat I try to look away. My first week back a co-worker said to me, "Aww Anna look at the baby.". I am thinking to myself, you dummy! How could you say something like that to me. It is not like she didn't know what I went through. She knew very well. After the customer left I told her, "I still struggle to look at a newborn." Her response, "I don't envy you.". She didn't even apologize for it. So I only talk to her unless I have to, only work related stuff.

I am enjoying working my new aisles, kitchen, linens and cleaners. So far I find it so much easier to manage. We even got scanners at work now too. No more grouping everything by price. Just scan and bag! The odd items we still have to enter in manually but it is a lot better.

Anna