Video

Here is the video I made for Faith's funeral. It is also posted on YouTube as well.

Anna

3 Months

October 15 marked Faith's 3mth anniversary. It was a difficult day. Will and I were both off. We went to the flower shop and got a rose for the cemetary. We went to the grave site. It was very emotional time. Later on the night at 7pm it was the wave of light. To remember all of our little angels. Also October 15 was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.

Since being back to work it is still a struggle to keep my emotions intact. Being at home I was able to shelter myself from it. I bite my tongue a lot so I don't take it out on my co-workers. Sometimes I wonder how much long before I speak my mind. God Help me on that one please.

Anna

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Week

Most of you are not aware of this week unless you have experienced this yourself. October 9-15th is that week. October 15, is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. So if you have experienced it yourself or know someone who has at 7pm light a candle in memory of that angel baby. It is called the Wave of Light.

Anna

Update -Work

Well it has been almost 3 weeks since I have returned to work. I never thought I would be this excited to return to work. There are some tough days, as I work in retail. Sometimes a someone will walk by me with a newborn baby girl and there are days I hold back the tears. Most of the time when I notice an infant seat I try to look away. My first week back a co-worker said to me, "Aww Anna look at the baby.". I am thinking to myself, you dummy! How could you say something like that to me. It is not like she didn't know what I went through. She knew very well. After the customer left I told her, "I still struggle to look at a newborn." Her response, "I don't envy you.". She didn't even apologize for it. So I only talk to her unless I have to, only work related stuff.

I am enjoying working my new aisles, kitchen, linens and cleaners. So far I find it so much easier to manage. We even got scanners at work now too. No more grouping everything by price. Just scan and bag! The odd items we still have to enter in manually but it is a lot better.

Anna

Back to Work

Yesterday was my first shift back to work. I have been off for just over 5 months. I was going stir crazy. It was a great day. It didn't take long to get in the swing of things. Before I went on my leave I was doing the toy and stationary aisle. Now I have the cleaners and linen aisle. I like it so far. Not looking forward to counting the linen stuff though. But I am sure I will get used to it. When I first started the toy aisle I was so scared because of the book section, then I adjusted to it. When I got home from work, I was so tired. It felt great to be back. It was also great to hear "Welcome Back" from my district manger.

How am I doing emotionally? I am doing a lot better. When I talk about Faith I do get teary eyed but I am able to control my emotions better. Miss her so much and someday I will see her in Heaven.

Anna

The Dream

Tonight was a night I had trouble falling asleep. When I did fall asleep I had a dream.

I dreamt I was going to the hospital to see Faith one last time before I had to officially say good bye. I got to her incubater, then all of a sudden she looked at me with this big bright blue eyes! She is alive! I was holding her, she was smiling and laughing.

I woke up and I am not sad, but with a peaceful feeling.

You see either before I went to bed or sometime this week I had prayed to God to show me that Faith is ok and is happy. Praise the Lord He answered my prayer!

Anna

Struggles

It has been just over 8 weeks now. I have so many feelings and struggles and want to get them out but, I also feel if I do people will walk on egg shells or treat me like I am fragile. Honestly I don't want it.

Right now I just don't like going to church. Church you are supposed to feel encouraged and charged up for the next week. Instead I always feel anger inside. I want to cry, but don't want people to see me in that state. I try to avoid people so I don't end up crying. Part of me is saying it has been 8 weeks I should be getting through this better. My church is a wonderful church and I have been really blessed by their support through this time. The matter of the fact is that I am still struggling with Anger at God for letting me go through this. He knew what it was like to see his Son die, hang on the cross. So why did he put me through this. His son rose from the dead, my daughter didn't. She is still 6 feet under and in Heaven where I can't hold her. Yes, everyone tells me I will see her again and I will raise her in Heaven. Sorry but it doesn't help and I am still sad.

I love babies, I love holding them but lately it has been hard. I have been forcing myself to hold them, look at them. My reason, a child is a gift from God and I don't want to look at a baby with sadness, but look at them with joy. Several friends and family have had babies or expecting right now and as much as I am happy for them, there is a strong jealousy. I want to hold my baby girl! I love her and miss her so much! Have I done more harm then good by forcing myself to hold babies this soon?

Please don't feel sorry for me, don't look at me with pity. Please pray for Will and I though.

Anna